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I can still feel the warmth on my skin and the smell of new life in the air the spring
after Lulu died. The thought of Easter and the resurrection and beautiful little girls dressed in their Sunday best haunted
my every thought. I have to admit, I was very angry with God.
God, with all of his infinite power can make the world spin, make seasons change, bring
forth new life each and every day and he can’t or won’t bring our Lulu back. If God could raise his son from the
dead then why can’t he raise Lulu?
Anger and denial are very normal human emotions that we must go through during the grieving
process and there is no getting around it…only through it…and then a miracle happened…Through the seemingly
unbearable pain, I felt as though my heart would burst open with the power of the intense and unconditional love from our
family, friends, neighbors and even people we did not know. I witnessed God himself living in humanity in each kind word,
smile and hug…my heart was not broken it was amazingly broken open.
I understood for the first time in my life the power of love and faith and it is there
that I found Lulu. I realize now that Lulu was never really gone at all. I was the one who left….for a moment…
I lost faith. Sweet faith, once you have it will never really leave you…it becomes a part of who you are! We are all
spirits having this temporary human experience until we go home again…spirits can not die…I feel Lulu’s
love with me every day, I feel her joy and I see her in every rainbow, butterfly and flower. I feel her when I speak and when
I write…I feel her now!
I still miss her funny laugh, her sweet smell and all of her little girl ways but I will
take every ounce of pain plus one million times that again because I am honored and so very grateful that Lulu has graced
my life on this earth. I am not the same woman I once was, I am so much more than I ever thought possible. The cross
that we bear can be the salvation in our lives if we allow it to be.
